Tml i will be going to Mount E again. This time round isn't for my depression but for my gastric. Will be inserting the tube down my throat to find out what's wrong with my gastric. Let's get it done and get over it. I am tired and sick of this, and once for all i am going to settle it. First time experience for me, and frankly speaking, it seems abit scary for me, but i am going to brace myself and go for it. Hopefully we will know what's wrong with it and tackle the problem, solved it before my attachment starts. =)

Ytd was our tenth month anni!<333 Dear came over to my place to have dinner with me after school. I passed him the letter and he super duper funny to the max can? Hid in one corner, read the letter and kept claiming that he is shy. What the hell?! Hahahahaha! After dinner, we went out to buy something for my brother and mom. So confusing sia, i mean their orders. TSK TSK! Something went wrong with my phone. I have no idea why i cannot receive pei shi's and most importantly my dear's sms. No choice but to change to the nokia hp tt my daddy used to use. Well, the music quality was superb! I love it, however it is bulky. I guess there are no such thing as perfection in this world. =) It all depends on how u see and view things in a way.

I really really really feel like taking sleeping pills. Not to commit suicide of cos but to sleep better. I haven't been sleeping well for a very long time. Just like what the doc said ytd, u need to have a good sleep in order to recover from your depression. Can anyone understand how it feels like to wake up every hour despite the fact that you are feeling very tired? I've tried many ways just to keep me tired and to sleep well during the nite like, avoiding taking long naps in the noon, aroma therapy and meditating however to no avail. What does it takes to make me sleep well??? But of cos, no matter how tired i am, i am not going to let it affect my day. I will stay happy and that's the way to get myself well. =) My hubby, have u fell asleep while reading my sleeping post? HAHHAHA! =PPPP

Just came back from pooling session with pei shi. It was an awesome match. Long time since we've played against each other. We were supposed to play 20 rounds to determine who's the winner however becos of my parents, we've got to stop till the 18th round. Not to mention those epic actions and moves that both of us did while playing, it was damn hilarious and i really could laugh my ass off man. I loved the part where she threw the stick on to the ground, that was the most deepest impression i've in mind. (Y) Good for you, pei shi. HAHAHAA! Haven't meet yvonne for a long time, and we haven't even go for piercing yet! Girl, tell me when u are free okie? I miss you lots! =(

When i was waiting for my parents to pick me up after my pooling session, i saw a lot of ppl queuing up for KOI bubble tea and i am really craving for that. Just becos of my stupid gastric, i couldn't buy and enjoy ONE CUP, JUST ONE CUP OF BUBBLE TEA! What da fark! Not just only that, i missed eating and drinking a lot of food and drinks. Most ppl said that i've lost weight, and is really damn skinny, but no choice cos i can't bloody eat the food that i used to love to eat! Roar! Just let me complain and vent my frustration out man, i really need it. Not just only food, even my clothes looks ugly when i wore them, it doesn't even fit! I am going crazy soooooon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! FML! Don worry, i am fine, i just wanna bitch about the things that i am unhappy about. Alright, at least after the bitching session, i felt much more better. Off to my LF2 game. Ciaoz!




Vivo trip today with Dear. We took bus 963 down to habourfront and the bus was full of flies. And Dear's way of swiping them away was damn epic that i couldn't stop laughing till i got tummy ache. Haha! Once we've reached there, i quickly went to buy a piece of hot dog bread to eat cos i was feeling a bit hungry. Walked ard vivo and seeing those pretty shoes and dresses really wants to make me drool, but the sad thing was that, i am broke. =( Slacked at the roof top till 6.45 before we had our dinner at pasta mania. Well, becos of my gastric, i couldn't eat anything that was oily so pasta was the only choice. After that, we went back to yishun and slacked again. Actually we were supposed to celebrate our 10th month anni today but then hahahaahha, don noe why ended up, we didn't. So most prob next week. Finally got pics to upload and it has been a long time since we camwhored.

That's right, you got to love yourself and accept for who you are. No one is perfect. I'm gonna love myself and will not hurt myself with all those suicidal thoughts. It's time not to let my love ones to worry about me. I know i am not alone. =)

Today Dear came down to my place and visit me from school. My mom cooked dinner for him too because i shud avoid eating oily food from outside. Talked and discussed about some stuff. Trust me, my Dear, i will do it and at the end of this year, all those effort that you put in, you will be able to see the result. I promised. And do rmb what you promised me too. I love you. <3 And thanks for visiting me.

Just when my gastric is getting better, i ate the wrong stuff which caused me to puke and have diarrhoea. WEAK! And i had wasted my dad's 100 plus dollars on my medication fee again. Seriously i don noe what's wrong with me this year, so many problems. Ha, just when the doctor was giving me a jab, he said " wah, so skinny, i'm afraid it will be painful for u" And my mom suggested butt injection which i refused and decide on the arm injection. Wasn't tt bad tho, just tt u cannot sleep and pressed on the arm, if not it will be aching. Tsk tsk!

Went down to meet Dear as his gastric doesn't feel well too. Was supposed to go down hort park but then becos of his gastric so we didn't visit the place. Slacked at his house. I AM JEALOUS OF HIS QUEEN SIZE BED!!! ROAR! I oso want it. Had mac for dinner before heading back to yishun and meet the rest of my friends. It has been a long time since i've met them, and they were still as epic and funny as before. This time round Xinyan oso joined us which surprised me and she is still as cheerful as last time.

Suspect i nearly kena heat stroke, cos was having this headache and it makes my head damn painful and keeps spinning. Ate so many pills. People who don't know me may thought that i am committing suicide by eating different kinds of pills.. Tsk tsk.

I opened this web once but then shut it off cos i don noe what to type in here. My gastric is extremely painful now... damn it.

It's been a long time since i've puked alr and today was the first time. Really forgotten how uncomfortable vomiting are and i puked my breakfast out today cos of my gastric. Seriously i have no idea what's wrong with my bloody gastric and if the doc say i needa put the tube down my throat to scan, i am so going to do it becos i rather suffer now then suffer in the long run. I haven't been eating properly for a long time which caused me to lose weight till i am 36kg now. Damn light la and i am only left with bones. Tsk!



Today Dear came down from tamp to yishun to visit me cos i wasn't feeling that well. Stupid gastric! So nice of him to come all the way down and fed me fried rice. We talked for a while and Dear was busy explaining to me about his paintball experience ytd. Seems fun, if this sunday my gastric is better, i shall join Dear and his friends to watch the tournament. =) Went out to have dinner tgt and slacked under blk. He seemed a bit sian so i tried my best to cheer him up (cos tml sch starts). Jia you my Dear, don be sian, i will entertain u whenever u need me. Thanks Dear for coming down to visit me! I love you lots lots lots! <3

Was supposed to go marina barrage with Dear ytd, however becos of the shuttle bus and also my gastric doesn't feel quite well, we traveled all the way from yishun to marina bay and marina bay back to yishun before going to marina barrage. Dear acc me to go see the doc. I felt bad for it becos we are supposed to go out and have fun but end up my gastric act up again. =( spoiler! Slacked ard my place and had dinner. So nice to have my Dear to feed me sushi. I feel like a princess!

Went out with Dear again to far east plaza. Walked ard before heading back to yishun to trim our hair at kelly salon. After the trimming session, we went to by our dinner and had it near my place. Went up to my house becos the weather is freaking hot plus mosquito keep biting my leg. Grrr! Dear used my lappy and wanna post something on my blog however i still managed to delete everything before anyone read the post. Hehehehe! Today had a serious talk with Dear and we managed to talk things out. After today's session, at least we understand each other better and realized the importance of having each other's company.

To my Dear: One day you will hear it, i promised. =) And i will be telling you F2F. I love you <3

Had meditating class with brother and mom at somerset ytd. Bloody bus broke down halfway and we were almost late for the session. I wasn't feeling that well, feeling like puking throughout the whole journey but didn't tell my mom about it cos i'm afraid she tot tt i wanna run away from the class. SO, i endured it! Seriously i really quite amazed by it man, i can actually endured it for about 3 hours. Keke. Neway, meditating session was quite fun and the twenty five mins of meditating seem rather fast for me whereas for my bro and mom tot tt it was long for them. For once, my mind felt rather peaceful, everything was pushed off and i just focus mainly on my breath. Feels nice and relaxed tho. =) Ended ard 9plus and was freaking not well to the max. Once i reached home, i chiong for the toilet but nth comes out from my mouth. Forced myself to puke, it doesn't help either. Chatted with Dear on the phone before going to bed. Nice to hear his voice before going to bed. <3

Went down to RP today to hand in my deferment letter. Weather was a bitch man, super duper hot! Ugh! Took cab to inter and waited for bus 963. Stupid bus, so slow, and i was sweating like a pig. Met babe at bukit panjang plaza before going to her house to help her apply the hair dye. I am such a failure. The dye was not that obvious and got patches, thank god it is not that obvious if not babe will kill me. Hahahaha! But it was fun tho. Had Mos Burger for dinner and now i felt damn full ttm. =D Alright, tt's all for today. Shall blog again soon.

Had a counseling session at 12pm today. Traveled down to Mount E again and damn, what a long journey man. Was super tired cos i slept quite late last nite. But not as late as compared to my Dear, cos he said that he wanna see me sleep first before he went to bed so that he is there for me when ever i cannot sleep. And today he is going to do the same thing again. Such a sweet and nice guy. =) Anyway, the counseling session was one hour ( didn't expect it to be so long). Clarissa is a nice lady and totally have no difficulties when communicating with her. It is just tt i need to repeat the same old story again and i really got tired of saying it again and over again.

I don't know why i cannot control or hold back my tears when the topic talks about my parents. But she said it's alright, just cry it out. We've discussed quite a lot of stuff today and will be going back to see her next thurs again. Went to Taka to have our lunch and walked ard with mom. I was unusually quiet after the session, guess maybe i am too tired, i'm not sure about it. I hope today i can sleep well and as fast as possible so that my Dear can sleep early as well.

To my Dear: Thank you so much for being there whenever i need you. You can choose to leave however in the end, you still stay with me and take good care of me. Sometimes, i felt that i didn't do enough for you and felt that you deserve better than this. I love you and grateful to have you as my bf. U are the first bf to do so much for me. I am trying my best to be the old me who is always cheerful and entertain you whenever u are bored. =) Once again, thank you my Dear. <3

To my Friends: There are quite a few people i wanna thank for. You guys always show care and concern towards me and i am really lucky to have friends like you all. All the best for ur internship and also those who are having schools.

Lastly to my family: No matter how much i have disappointed you all, but you guys are always there for me and willingly to forgive for all the mistakes i've done. I will try my best to be the same old daughter who is always happy and cheerful. =)

Fuck, once again, lie on the bed and i still cannot sleep. Zzzz.. FML FML FML FML!!!

Couldn't sleep well last nite. I was still wide awake till 6am. I am really tired and i miss the times when i had sleeping pills before i sleep. It helps me to sleep better. Tireddddd..... i haven't been sleeping well for the past few nights. What's wrong man? Grrrrr... And i kept dreaming and waking up in the middle of the night, it is damn irritating you know? It is like ur brain is still wide awake and can't sleep normally. knfgfngegnekgnekjgnrgn! Screw it!

Zoo outing with Dear today... erm, actually was ytd since now it is after 12am. The weather was super duper hot!! We were sweating, or shud i say i was sweating like a pig! Most of the animals are cute, esp the penguins. =D And we walked to the fragile forest and guess what we saw?? A fruit bat peeing rite in front of us. Nice.... Tsk! Had dinner at the zoo's kfc, and Dear was like super hungry. Hahahaha, we've ordered the three piece chicken meal and shared between ourselves.

So we took bus back to Amk, and took bus 169 back to yishun. Slacked under my block and talked things out. I don noe whether to say things are fine between us or was it not. Shall not go and think about it now. Sigh.

Second time of meeting the psychiatrist. Well, it wasn't as scary as the first time. I told him, i am weak, mentally and emotionally. He said "No, from what i saw from you, you are a strong girl. Tt's what i see from you." And with a smile. =) Dr Tan referred my case to a psychologist, he said i need counseling. Her name is clarisa. Hehe, and she is super duper friendly.

After my appointment, went home with my parents by cab. Met my Dear at house downstairs and went to northpoint to have our dinner. Dear's appetite was like damn BIG. He upsized his plate of pasta. Da Wei Wang! Decided to slack at my house downstairs. And the waiting time for bus 800 is super damn long! Both of us were like grumbling. Wore our first couple ring and it looks beautiful. =D Tml zoo outing with my Dear! Looking forward to it. <333

Claris Soh
2nd july 91

=D





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