Changed to a new hairstyle and i love it alot. Muahahahahaa, short hair means less shampoo, conditioner, hair mask, treatment and time to manage it. I am totally into short hair now. Weeeeee! And bloody facebook cannot work. Well, only for me nia. What's wrong man?! Grrrrrrrrr~

Doctor said I am improving, as in my condition. But still need to be on medication. I found out which pills makes me absent minded and that is the sleeping pills. Doctor says i cannot take pills on alternate days unless my appetite is totally back. It's been three to four weeks since my mood is down and i cry. I love this way. I am happier than before and it feels good to start a new life. From now on, i shall look things in another angle and not from the pessimistic angle. I've got people whom i need to live for, my family, friends and my dear. But what's even more important is to love myself and live for who i am. I am going to cherish each day and live it as if it is the last day. =D Shall end it here.

Labels: I believe in myself

Ytd went out to have a buffet dinner at traders hotel with my family. AND OMG, their cookies dip in cheese with garlic is superbly nice! I can's stop eating that. Hahaha. I seriously don have the appetite to eat that much. Went there waste money only. I got to get my appetite back if not i will really turn into "bai gu jing" Just tt i am not bai but a bit tanned. Alright, going to have my dinner now, pizza, here i come! ROAR!

Went out with dear again. This time round we went to sengkang riverside park(i forgot the name, pardon me for that) Hehehe, at least we know how to get there by taking bus 85 from yishun interchange. Short journey. =) Was pretty hot by the time we reached there so we went to some blk and slacked there before we made our way there. The park was awesome, but i went to the other side of the park which is not tt really beautiful. Oh well, it is okie, still got some other time. Had sushi for our dinner and then slacked again. Went home by taking the same bus and then slacked again. Dear and i loved to slack, don ask us why, we just love to slack. We are the slacker's couple! HAHAHAHA! <3

A sentence pei shi found online: Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is just a sign that we have been strong for too long. I love this sentence a lot. Anyway, i feel tt i am getting better each day. =) Hopefully the doc will say that i am totally recovered. *SMILE*

It's the 8th month anni for Dear and me! <3 Went to changi airport to slack, but before that, Dear wanted to test the "play" perfume smell and check the price. Nice choice indeed (Y) I oso addicted to the smell. Hohoho, went to terminal 2 to have "dinner"? Or lunch? Hahahahah, not sure leh. After tt, we decided to go back to Dear's house to play L4D 2. Played half way hang! =((((( So sad man, but its okie! Still got dear's company. Watched tv a while before Dear sent me home. So nice of him. =)

Today is... okie, ytd was my mom's b'day. On the journey back home with dear, my dad called me and asked me to buy flowers for my mom. So sweet! Hahahaha, in the end my dad paid me back the money plus another 20 bucks! Cooool shit. Slacked under my blk with Dear before i went home and start the "cutting cake" session. Tml meeting Dear again, we are going to sengkang park! Woo hoo! Let's pray tt we know the way to the park. Alright, shall typed till here, too sleepy to continue. Nite!

Labels: Outing with Dear

Last warning for you. I bet you know i am talking abt you. STOP sending me those messages, I don have feelings for you anymore, we're so OVER. And for your info, I am going to forget everything in the past and start a new life, so stop sending those kind of messages anymore. My CURRENT BF is BENNY TAN. My first and only bf. Living in pain? Good, you deserved it. Not my fault, so stop disturbing my sleep, Tan Wen Hao. I don even know tt u exist in life before. My depression is not becos of you tt's why i got it, it's cos of the fear of loving someone so dearly and he left for somebody else/ for revenge. Not becos i still love you, cos i only love one person with my heart who is Benny. And it's all becos of your mistake, u caused me to have depression. But for benny sake, i am leading a happy life with him. Tt's all. AND STOP THE MESSAGING, GET A LIFE.

Labels: Warning

Woah... 38kg now. Slowly shrinking in size now. I don't know why am i doing this to myself. I feel hungry, but once i see food in front of me, my mind will tell me not to eat it. What's wrong?? I don noe whether is it depression that causes me to think that way or could it be something else. Soon i am going to be 37 kg. My hands couldn't stop shaking every time. nvfbnergneinergne. UGH! Nvm.. slowly, step by step.. Recover from my depression first then see how.

Labels: Losing weight

Altho the time spent with Dear is shorter this time round, but no worries, we can hang out till late on Friday. =) And on sat too. Our 8th month anni is coming and i am really looking forward for one year to come. I WANNA BUY A PAIR OF COUPLE RINGS *big hint* hohoho. Today Dear and I talked things out again, and i guessed we managed to solve it. We've been thru thick and thins, altho i don noe how many obstacles we may going to face in the future, but i really hope we can overcome it tgt. Well, shall not look till so far, just live day by day, it's better this way. =)

Seriously, i don understand why my hand keep shaking esp when i am painting my nails. Could it be due to the side effect of medicine? I am more absent nowadays too. When i woke up, the first thing i wanna do is to blog, but i cannot rmb what i wanna blog. Sigh... what's wrong now?! Nvm, at least i am slowly recovering and OH, i know what to blog alr! Hahahahahaha!

It had been over one week and i haven't cried for one whole week without any reason. Actually my mood was a lil bit down ytd. But while on the way back home in the bus, i held back my tears and tried to think logically. From here, i can see myself getting better and making improvements. I'm going to be strong and won't let other things to bring me down again. Must learn to be strong... it is a must! =)

Labels: Recovering soon

Sat: Outing with my baby as usual. And he bought me a charles and keith pink wallet! LOVE IT TO THE MAX! Hahahahahaha. Then we took bus to vivo and walked ard before we had our dinner. Actually we had dinner first before walking ard. Kekeke. I am crazy. Decided to stop by CWP before going back to my place to slack. Too bad Dear didn't managed to find his pouch. Slacked at a block and talked quite a few things and one of the question just stumped me. Even by the time i went home, it still bothers me. But it's okie, it's over now. New life awaits in front of me. =) Must learn to let things go and kkyd.

Sun: Went out with yvonne and pei shi at town. Met pei shi first since yvonne was late, and we went to buy perfume for my dear. SPEAKING OF PERFUME!!! MEOW! I went to the first shop and they didnt sell the perfume i wanted so i am confused over which one i shud buy. Once we met yvonne and went far east plaza,  i saw a perfume shop and went to ask the lady whether they got 'play intense' and THEY HAVE IT!!!!!!! I was emo-ing all the way while the two of them kept consoling me. NVM, KKYD! Hahaha. Had takoyaki for dinner. Damn full siaaaaaaaaaa. Went to Sephora and bought a purple eye shadow. Gosh, i kept spending money. Must stop myself alr.

I will be ok. I know i will. One day. =)

Labels: A new chapter of my life

Standing by the window and looking out with the wind blowing my hair and face, it feels great. For once, i smiled to myself, telling myself how beautiful this world is despite the fact that the weather looks kinda gloomy. A brand new start of my life simply feels great. I'm not going to look back.. i am happy this way. Accepting for who i am and have positive thinking. I am slowly getting out of my depression.. no, I don even have depression, i am normal and healthy. Alright, enough of this. keke! Nua-ed the whole day at home on my bed ytd... gosh, the feeling of nua-ing is shiok man! I feel like doing it again today since the weather is perfect for another round of sleeping. I am sucha pig. HAHAHA! I'm looking forward to this sat and sun. =DDDDD

Labels: Brand new life

I've decided to start a fresh new life just like how my dear told me. Everything in the past, just forget about it. Soooo, my second life starts on 17th of aug. I've no past, nth at all. I just have what I have now, my family, first bf and friends that love me. I know i will get better, i believe in myself. =)

Labels: positive thinking

Went back to school ytd for some SOM revision. Most of the answers were correct. =) After the lesson, wait for dear to come and meet me in the school. After submitting his IIP report, we went back to my place first and put my stuff before heading out to SPCA. The animals are totally cute to the max! I wanna a kitten too, but too bad my parents don allow. Tt's so sad.

Next we took bus back to toa payoh and decided to take another bus to jurong east. Hahaha, nth to do, besides, we have bus concession, so we can take any bus we like. Supposed to go to clark quey but then it was raining so decided to sit all the way to jurong. During the journey in the bus, we's talked a lot of stuff. And i am glad that we talked things out and I even made a promise to Dear. And that it, forget about the past, start a new life. So.. in this case, i am so called "reborn" on the 17th aug. I am going to start afresh and hopefully it will help in my depression.

Decided to head back to yishun, so we took bus 52 to ngee ann poly then walked all the way down to the nearest bus stop that got bus which is available for us to go back to yishun. God damn it man, the journey back to yishun seems like from malaysia back to yishun. Bloody slow can?! argh... irritating. Had dinner at north point pastamania. After dinner, went back to my place and slacked. HEHE! omg, i sound so creepy. Neway, that's all for today's post. Ciaoz~

Today i zi high. Hahahaha, well, most becos i had enough of sleep and ate well. Went out to meet pei shi and yvonne for SOM revision. LOL at the first part of the meeting (internal joke). Went to starbucks to revise and yes, we are damn efficient. But pei shi die die oso wants to find out the answer for question 1 for exercise I. Oh well.. for me, as long i tried my best, then tt's it. =) Print out some photos and woo hoo, frame it up and looks perfectly nice! How i wish my mood will always be like today. =D I know one day i will.

Labels: I believe in myself

Finally had a good long sleep. I felt so much better now. I couldn't believed that I've made a big fuss ytd morning. Cos my mom wanted me to try a product that will helps to make me sleep better without the help of sleeping pills. However it turned out that i couldn't even sleep properly at all. So the next day, i went to my brother's room and complained it to him while crying. Parents came in and said okie, fine, continue with the medication cos my condition is not stabilized yet.

Went out for a while as i couldn't stand staying at home. Out with willie they all since they were playing basketball. I don't rmb how many times i've cried ytd... all i knew was that it was a lot of times. I'm crazy, yes, that's what i feel about myself. Sigh... Finally finished folding the paper stars. =) Had dinner at 5 plus before i went to bed. Slept from 6pm to 8.30pm, woke up and had my medication. Then went to lie on my bed again to sms my dear. He's such a sweet bf, well.. to me la. <3 Dear always makes my day feel better. =)

Went to Cine with Dear to watch SALT. For the first time i did a online booking with my mom's debit card. SHIOK! Hahahaha, no need to rush there to get the tickets. Firstly, Dear came and fetched me, bus-ed down to town. Went to lucky plaza first as Dear wanna check his price for the perfume that he wanna get. In the end, he bought nth. LOL. Collected the tickets, easy and simple! Walked walked ard and i kept encouraging Dear to smoke, hoping the time will pass faster this way. WHAT A GF HUH?! Pffft.

Neway, had dinner at pasta mania. If u see my Dear's plate, u will faint.. why? Cos he ordered an upsized pasta plus with a lot of cheese!!! OMG! So much cheese, i was wondering to myself, was he eating the cheese or the pasta??? Hahaha. After that, slacked ard and then went to watched SALT. Luckily we've booked the ticket online, if not, we won't be sitting at a comfortable seats, most prob in the first few rows. Damn god of alot ppl man. Full house i guess. After the movie session, Dear sent me back and we slacked for a while before going home. =) Had a fun day out with my boy. <3

Labels: I believe in myself

I went to research on how can i be a positive thinking person. There's this line tt says "Don't let the past or tomorrow use up too much of your today!" After reading this line, i was like 'wowwwwwww' Whoever ever said this line, I kinda agreed with him/her. I shall give it a try. If time is what i need in order to recover, i'll just learn how to be patient in treating my depression. It's hard, really it is hard to get out of it. Sometimes, i feel comfortable in my own zone. I've been coping myself in the house and in my room.. i just don feel like going anywhere unless it is sat, cos tt's when i am meeting my Dear. Sigh... i cannot stop sighing all the time. Don noe why.

Labels: I believe in myself

Had a meeting with Mr leong, Mr choo and Miss low regarding my IIP. I guess i will stick to the options whereby i will work in sch during the IIP sem. I couldn't take it, and burst out crying telling them that I am in pain, i wanna get out of depression. But someone told me that the more i want to get out, the more i struggled. I hate to sit down and wait for things to happen but this time round i really have no choice. Sigh...

In the end, i partial-ed with yvonne and pei shi. Went to CWP to have our lunch at mac. I decided to try the spicy nuggets again. And damn, it was really spicy man. Pei shi found out the secret way of me eating of fries and start to copy me. So did Yvonne. ROAR! Went to popular after that to get paper stars while pei shi went to buy sticky notes. The two girls are considerate and kind enough to send me home, ALL the way to my home. Such friends are hard to find, they are the best, From my mom, family and me, big thanks to them for helping me thru this period of time. Without them, I really have no idea that i got depression, and "things" may happen. Grateful to them. But also to those who helped me thru this period of time, for eg. my family, Dear, the two awesome friends of mine, babe and etc...

I really want to recover from this cos it is something that is... i don noe how to explain to those people who are not in this situation before, but i am sure those who encountered this will know what i am trying to say. Everyday is just like living in agony. =(

Labels: i wish to believe in myself

Mood was better today just tt i feel damn tired. I think i am like a pig, really need 10 hours of sleep then enough. TSK! Went to counseling again. Actually i find that i am feeling better alr, i don really need a counselor. I don't know whether it is just tempt but i've eventually stop thinking negative thoughts and also don't just cry out of the sudden. I DON NOE LA! Irritating man. Am i ok alr???? Am i fine?? djfjnggjnegnrgnewbgidnsgi I don noe la.. what the hell am i typing??? Now i feel like crying.. why? confusing!!! zzzzzzz.. fine, since my heart tells me to cry, i go and cry.

Epic man. I told my mom to wake me up at 7pm. Ended up, i was too tired and slept through 7plus and eventually my mom oso took the nap with me. Great.. i hope i can sleep at nite. HAHAHAA! Really epic!

Oh oh! Forgot to update what did i do ytd. Was out with Dear and he decided to go sengkang. (y) Good choice indeed. Avoided the crowded area. Had dinner before we went down to CWP. CWP always seems boring to me. Sigh, but luckily there's Dear to acc me. Really had a fun time out with him ytd. Hahahahaha... okies, i am going crazy. WTH?! Missssssss him!

Labels: I believe in myself

Today mood is alright, for now... Hahaha, but however I have some feeling that something is going to be happened and it is bad. So creepy. Ok, shall not creep myself out. Concentrate, focus and don't allow anything to affect me. =) Well, even i got a B for that module, heck care, just move on. I've tried my best. *grin* OH, and it is raining outside, shall not let it affect me too. Recently I've fell in love with this song "Just like you" which is from Allison Iraheta. Lyrics are meaningful too. =)




Yesterday:

Went out with Dear to.. er.. shit... where did we went to?? Oh, erm to town area. Pardon me, my memory is getting worse as each day passes by. Managed to buy a perfume at a cheaper price. (Y) Thanks to dear, cos he is the one who intro me to tt shop. Walked ard and had Mac for dinner. Took bus 171 back to Yishun and dear bought the belt tt he wants. He said I am like a devil cos i kept tempting him to buy the belt. Slacked near my house there and chatted till 11.40pm before he went home. =((( Time always passes by so fast when with him.

Today:

Woke up and had breakfast before going over to babe's condo to swim. It has been a long time since we swim. Tsk tsk, i am always the slower swimmer. ROAR! Nvm. Glad to hang out with babe again, can talk to her almost everything. =) After that, went to meet daddy and we met mom and bro at thomsom plaza to have dinner at sushi tei. For the first time, I've finished a bowl of ramen by myself (well, a lil help by my dad). Super full. Shopped ard and went to starbucks. Received a bad bad news, NO MORE OREO CHEESECAKE ANYMORE!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love their oreo cheesecake. =(((((((((((( Booo hoo....

Mood for today was neutral again. Cried in the morning and after i met babe, felt much better but was extremely exhausted. Yawns! Tt's all for today, peeps. Ciaoz

Labels: I believe in myself

I tot i was feeling better, cos i was rather cheerful today. However, once again, the "feeling" sets in, and make me feel.. something tt i cannot describe. Is depression supposed to be like this?? The feelings kept fluctuating. I really like the feeling of being "relaxed" but rite now i don. What's wrong with me? I tot i was getting better, guess i was wrong. Sigh,

Today was a good day for me! First time i felt so relaxed and happy at the same time. Good for me. I hope it continue to stay this way, and i will be happy. Stay positive and focus on how can i make myself happy. And if my condition gets better, then i can go for attachment as usual. =) HEHEHEHEHE, omg, zi high.

Labels: I believe in myself

She told me " Instead of thinking why am i not happy, why not think of how can i be happy?" Guess there are times whereby you cannot do anything, but sit ard and wait for medicine to take effect. Patience is what i need now.. and also time. Sigh.

Labels: I believe in myself

Haven't been sleeping well for the past few nights. I don't understand why even when the doctor increased my dosage for my sleeping pills, but it is not working at all. Seriously I wanna eat more and sleep peacefully, but too bad, my mom kept the pills away from me. 5gm of sleeping pill is not enough. I must tell the doctor to increase my dosage. Didn't go for today's counseling, decided to go for sch's counseling instead which is tml during break time. Sigh.. Let's hope things turns out the way I want it to be. Since I cannot drink cos of the medicine, i felt like smoking. Sudden urge... whatever...My brain has totally gone hay wired. Cannot think properly. 

I feel i am barely normal anymore. Cried for no reason. Don feel like doing anything, don feel like eating or drinking... all i want is to sleep. That's when the brain stops functioning and i won't feel like i am living in hell. The reflection i see in the mirror, is not me anymore.. is someone else.. someone weak. The only thing i can do, is to wait and wait and wait. Sometimes I am really sick and tired of waiting, just want to end this faster. End

Labels: Weak

Forgot to wear my lucky bracelet and spray perfume. F*** it! Went to check leo, got C's again, F*** it again! Why? Why when this depression starts, i begin to get more forgetful and my grades kept falling. How long do i have to wait?! I am someone who hates waiting.. seriously i DON LIKE to wait. T.T I hate depression... I HATE IT!!!!! F*** you, screw you! Dammit! :(

Accompany Dear for his presentation ytd. Sat at some place, listening to music and admiring the blue sky while waiting for him. Sometimes I like being alone, I mean, it feels nice, just only you and listening to music. After his presentation, went to cwp and had our lunch. I bought myself a necklace, in hoping that I can recover fast. It may sound ridiculous to some of you, but by wearing a cross somehow makes me feel a bit better. Next, we went to northpoint, and played house of the dead 4. Without pei shi or yvonne help, I died at the first stage.. sob sob* Walked ard and Dear bought his new tie. Bet he loved it alot. Slacked at starbucks before heading back to my place and slacked again. So sorry that I can only spent a few hours with my Dear and he really wanted to go JP, but becos of my family gathering, we've to give up the plan. No worries, next week we are going town. I promised my dear. =)

Went for the family dinner gathering. Haven't seen them for quite some time, some looks the same whereas some have changed. Sat beside my aunt and she shared many stories with me and what causes her to have depression last time. Her situation was lot worse than mine. While hearing her stories, i nearly cried, i don noe how to explain to you all, but all i know that my aunt is a strong woman i've encountered so far. Well, at least i am not alone out there, i still have people who love me dearly. I am really looking forward to recover from depression. Alright, tt's all for today, shall go and paint my nails. GOLD COLOR~ >.<

Labels: I believe in myself

Claris Soh
2nd july 91

=D





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