Monday, July 12, 2010
blogged @8:17 PM
I've went ard asking people about their impression of me. Most of them said that, i looked, LOOKED matured, those shy shy type and etc, however they told me, after knowing me, it's the opposite of what they think. Talkative, childish, joker and etc. Hahahaha! Well, i guess there's a reason why i am behaving that way. I'm lying to myself..I just want to fool myself. Just let me be happy and lie to myself tt my life is almost perfect. I don mind being a joker to others, at least it makes me feel better as i bring laughter and smiles to them. I don mind acting stupid or maybe in the beginning i am alr stupid. LOL.
In this post, i really want to say what's in my mind. I don want to hide it inside me anymore. People who read this post might think that i may be attracting attention, but i don care, i just want to say what's in me for a long time. And beware, it might be a shocking news to you all. Maybe to some of you. Lots of times, i feel like killing myself. Why? I'm not happy at all. Not with this life i am living as rite now. Lots of times, i feel like eating pills... hoping that one day i won't wake up and leave this world peacefully. Many times, i think to myself, if one day, when crossing the road, and is being knocked down by some vehicle. That will be great.
My reason for being so joyful and acting ard as a kid is to cover up the other side of me. I don understand why i just can't feel happiness at all. I've a perfect family who loves me dearly, friends who care for me and a bf who is always there for me, but the negative thoughts always strikes in my head. I won't deny the fact i feel ashamed when i read and saw those people who are striving hard to live in this world and i just simply want to give up. Can i switch roles with them? At least it gives me a reason to live on... The fact that i've been breathing till now are because of the ppl who loves me and i don wan them to worry.
I want to be strong too... but so many times i felt so exhausted. I seriously feel that people who committed suicide are really brave. Since secondary school life till now.... i still don dare to do anything. For the sake of my family, friends and bf, i tried to be strong. Maybe, maybe one day.. i had enough of everything, really tired from it, i want to leave this place. Nobody knows how it feels like to live that for 5 to 6 years, with those suicidal thoughts in my head most of the times. Don't worry, i won't do anything for now.
But i can feel my heart aching rite now... it's so painful yet i can't stop the pain. At least acting being happy numbs the pain. It's just one of the post that was kept inside me for a very long time. Nobody understands... but i'll choose to live on. For now. Sorry for the emo-ness of this post. Just wanna voice out what's inside me all these while.
