Saturday, July 31, 2010
what is true happiness?
Labels: I believe in myself
Thursday, July 29, 2010
My mood is unpredictable. Sometimes it is up and some other times it is down. Have the urge to cut again, but instead, i distract or so call used another method to vent my anger. And that is to scribble on a paper as much as i want to. Altho it is not as satisfying comparing to hurt myself, but still.. it's good to let out my anger. If it is the old me, i will definitely keep it inside me and cry to myself at nite. I guess, seeking treatment isn't a bad thing after all. =)
On the way to Starhub contact center, i was sitting in the bus beside the window. Lying down, listening to cheerful music and looking at how beautiful the sky and trees are makes me feel relaxed and happy. It's nice, i like it. I like the feeling. Well, that's all for today. Oh! Babe is coming over tmr to my hse and we are having dinner at north point. Yay-ness!
Labels: I believe in myself
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Rmb this test whereby they will test are u an optimistic or a pessimistic person? They filled up half a bottle with water and ask the person, "what do you see?" Half full means u are an optimistic whereas half empty shows that u are a pessimistic person. I belongs to the latter. Recently, I've bought a new bottle of toner from The Face Shop and have been using it for about two weeks, everyday and every nite.
Ytd I complained to my mom that the toner is going to finish soon, the bottle so small yet still expensive! My mom said " Are u blind? It is still more than half full!!" That incident links back to the earlier test i mentioned above. Rite now, I still see the emptiness part of the bottle.. maybe one day, maybe.. i will be able to see it as half full or even a quarter full. Let's hope. End.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I have the urge again when i was in class, and this time round i really did "cut" myself with my nails. I have no idea what's wrong with me but there's always a person telling me, "cut it, go ahead" In the end, i really cannot stay in class cos i can't focus on anything. Told mom about it and she suggested me to go see the doc again, see whether can change the pills. Dad came down too.. I really feel sorry for all those people who cared for me, but i just cannot help it. Esp on the day, the doctor told me tt i got mild depression. Slowly... i kept thinking to myself.. why me??? I know it is normal to get MD nowadays and there's treatment for it, however.. sigh.
Monday, July 26, 2010
The urge of cutting my hand is coming back again. But still, i didn't do anything, not yet. I tried to brush it aside. I was thinking about last nite, luckily mom came into my room and acc me for a while. Damn it.. now i have the urge again.... Shit it man. Ain't the medicine supposed to help?! Why am i still thinking of those stuff? And seriously, the medicine is really causing me a lot of problem. I can't focus in class, all i think is to sleep. It makes me damn tired. Then it will affect my grade... 'great' then. iknfkignibgribgrigrigbriogbeogeiog ARGH!!! END!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
mood is totally down today. I didn't talk as much as i did before.. today was only like 10 sentences to my parents. I really don feel like talking much. Just stone and looking out of my window. How blue the sky is.. the big tall trees.. people walking by.. happily talking.. Then i tot to myself, when will i be happy?? End
Watched Despicable Me at yishun gv with Dear ytd. The movie was extremely OH SOME and funny. At least i had a good laugh at it. Next, we went down to AMK hub to shop. Too bad for dear, cos mostly the stores are for ladies. It's ok, we will try other place next time. Had dinner before taking bus 169 & 800 home. Slacked at a void deck near my place and chat. There's this uncle sat at a bench near to us and kept looking at us. Weirdo! Tsk!
Today woke up with a "sian" feeling again. Don feel like doing anything, just wanna stay in bed for the whole day. I hate the pills i am eating rite now. Always making me drowsy and stone. Staring blankly into space. Why do i have to suffer from MD?? Once again, i felt the heaviness in my heart... i couldn't control my emotions anymore. While, at least for a good start, i am not faking my emotions like how i used to do it everyday. Except the "heaviness" part that i am feeling now, i don noe what I am feeling now. I have nothing more to say, that's all for today.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Suddenly my mood is down. Feeling fustrated.. feel like throwing something. God, my mood is just like a roller coaster ride. Can be up in the morning but can be down during the afternoon. igognrognonbggnfgn I want to cry but i can't cry..kidsgniufgrrjg
Tho i feel a bit tired, but my mood (Y). While on my way to interchange in the bus, i just kept on smiling and think of the happy times. Woo hoo for me. Ok, i don noe what to type alr. END
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Alright, blogger shall be the place where i shall voice out my feeling. Woke up feeling moody again. Perhaps it's the weather. Didn't had a good sleep last nite. Was too tired however i just can't seem to sleep. My mom even keep me acc and wait till i fell asleep before she went back to her bed and sleep. But still... i can't sleep.
Scars make you stronger for life, but i am still at the "wounded" stage. I need to get out at that stage. I don even know if this even make sense or you guys understand what i am trying to say. Tired, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Doc said the pills doesn't have any side effects, but i felt very tired during the evening time altho the pills were supposed to take in the morning. I just simply slept on the sofa for 30 mins and then skipped my dinner even tho i am very hungry and went to my bed, slept for one more hour. Gosh!
Went out to yishun north point library to return books, at the same time also to revise for tml's ut. I'm such a blur sotong. So long nvr went to the library therefore i don noe where's the book drop therefore need to ask the lady sitting in the front desk. I bet she think i am someone who visit the library for the first time. Glad that i went down to library early and managed to get the seats that were near the plugs. The guy sat next to me was nice enough to help me to take my charger, plug it in and on it for me. =) Just went through the RR of CMA and trying my best to understand it.
After studying for one hour, packed up my things and went for shopping a while. Seriously, i don noe why i cannot stop buying things. Even things that i don need it, i find it hard to resist it. Sigh... I must change this habit from now on wards. It's nice to go out alone, well, at least today my mood seems to get a bit better. Nvr thought of negative thoughts too. Hopefully it will stay this way forever.. =) Oh man, I AM TIRED!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Before my family doc diagnosed what I am suffering from, part of me believed that "No, it can't be, i understand myself very well, so i wouldn't possibly suffer from that." however another part of me thinks that it might be true. Until today when the doc confirmed with me that I am suffering from MD(only those who knew me well will understand what is it), it was rather ironic that i felt relieved. Could be due to the fact that now i know I have MD, there's a cure and treatment for me. As long i go for regular treatment and session, in about 6 weeks to 3 months time, I am going to be ok.
I am giving myself a day off tml, and shall see how effective the pills will be. I've taken a big step to walk out of my zone which i've been for so many years. I want to change and see the world in a positive view. To be a happy person. From now on, i shall lower my expectations and achieve the best that i can. If it wasn't because of the previous posts that i've posted, i will still continue to live in the darkness. Dear was rite, every dark cloud has its silver lining. We didn't even know that our family doc have experience in this kind of stuff, and just nice, so coincidence, my mom found it out when she visited the clinic earlier on. And she msg me, telling me good news, there's a cure!
Once again, i want to thank those people who helped and supported me during these few days. Really need your support. Let's hope to see the real "liwen" who will not be faking her emotions one day. =)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Not in the mood for revising PRM UT, just going to read thru. Yea, I know it is difficult, but the heck with it. I'm tired.. as in really tired. I've no idea why. Just seem moodless today except ytd, suddenly mood swing. Totally freaked my mom and dad out. I need time, space and what ever bull shit i need. Gosh, i can feel the "heaviness" of the heart i am feeling rite now. Aching as i slowly typed this post.
Like what she said... I just want to end the pain not my life. How to??? Can someone pls fucking tell me how to end this... bloody shit, fuck, screw all this man! kefnrwgnernheihonergioneroginergionwrognrgnegior. Plsss.. let me end this pain.. T.T
Sunday, July 18, 2010
U need to love yourself in order to feel happiness. How much do i love myself? Everything's back again.. same old issue.
I'm going crazy, really going crazy. I couldn't even control my emotions now, esp rite in front of my family. I know a lot of people out there are supporting and encouraging me to walk out of this tgt, but I can't. I JUST CAN'T! I knew that i've promised most of you that i will be ok, i will be alright... however it just comes back. Today, i couldn't took it and let out my frustration, cried in front of my family in person which i hardly do so. I couldn't take it anymore..
I want it to end, i want this to end, i want to walk out of my zone, but i really can't! I woke up in the morning and read a book about how you look things at different angle in life. I turned to the page on "happiness is priceless". After reading the book, tears immediately flow down my cheeks. I really need it badly... happiness... so long.. it's been so long since i've felt it. It just gets harder each day. I knew i've caused a lot of pain to people who cares for me, esp my parents. But believe me guys, hurting the ppl i love the most is the last thing i wanna to do. =((( end of the post.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
After so many years, i've finally stretched out my hand and asking people for help. The one who helped me the most, is my kin brother. Of cos, not to forget those good friends of mine who showed lots of concern for me. I've always feel like i am living in agony, but afraid to let anyone know about it becos i don wan them to worry and also don wan to be a burden to them. Well, at least for now, i can type out this post without crying and feeling much of the pain in me.
All these years, I've been in my comfort zone, i knew that i am not living happily but i did nth abt it. I don wan to get out of the zone and make changes to it. However, as years goes by, the suicidal thoughts kept coming back to me constantly, esp when i am alone. I really don noe how to make others to understand what i am going thru, no idea how to bring my message across to people ard me. Just like what babe had said earlier on, it is like there's a program in me, when i start hanging out with my friends or who ever it is, i will just behave as the usual "me". Don't understand myself at times.
Thanks to those who show concerns to me. And thanks to those who cried with me when i am down, at least it gave me one more reason to live on, and tt was becos i am impt to them. Not to forget my brother, he helped me really alot. <3 Hugs, brother!
Monday, July 12, 2010
I've just received a sms from a friend abt my previous post. Makes me speechless and the tears just flowed down from my cheeks to my pillow. She cared for me.. and her friend did. This post was written to tell others that i'm ok. It's won't be the last post u guys will see from my blog. I'm just pretty much tired and sick of helding it back in for such a long time, There's no need to make a big fuss abt it. Once again, I'm ok.
And to the friend who msg me, it may sound ridiculous but u really give me hope. Thank you, TPS!
I've went ard asking people about their impression of me. Most of them said that, i looked, LOOKED matured, those shy shy type and etc, however they told me, after knowing me, it's the opposite of what they think. Talkative, childish, joker and etc. Hahahaha! Well, i guess there's a reason why i am behaving that way. I'm lying to myself..I just want to fool myself. Just let me be happy and lie to myself tt my life is almost perfect. I don mind being a joker to others, at least it makes me feel better as i bring laughter and smiles to them. I don mind acting stupid or maybe in the beginning i am alr stupid. LOL.
In this post, i really want to say what's in my mind. I don want to hide it inside me anymore. People who read this post might think that i may be attracting attention, but i don care, i just want to say what's in me for a long time. And beware, it might be a shocking news to you all. Maybe to some of you. Lots of times, i feel like killing myself. Why? I'm not happy at all. Not with this life i am living as rite now. Lots of times, i feel like eating pills... hoping that one day i won't wake up and leave this world peacefully. Many times, i think to myself, if one day, when crossing the road, and is being knocked down by some vehicle. That will be great.
My reason for being so joyful and acting ard as a kid is to cover up the other side of me. I don understand why i just can't feel happiness at all. I've a perfect family who loves me dearly, friends who care for me and a bf who is always there for me, but the negative thoughts always strikes in my head. I won't deny the fact i feel ashamed when i read and saw those people who are striving hard to live in this world and i just simply want to give up. Can i switch roles with them? At least it gives me a reason to live on... The fact that i've been breathing till now are because of the ppl who loves me and i don wan them to worry.
I want to be strong too... but so many times i felt so exhausted. I seriously feel that people who committed suicide are really brave. Since secondary school life till now.... i still don dare to do anything. For the sake of my family, friends and bf, i tried to be strong. Maybe, maybe one day.. i had enough of everything, really tired from it, i want to leave this place. Nobody knows how it feels like to live that for 5 to 6 years, with those suicidal thoughts in my head most of the times. Don't worry, i won't do anything for now.
But i can feel my heart aching rite now... it's so painful yet i can't stop the pain. At least acting being happy numbs the pain. It's just one of the post that was kept inside me for a very long time. Nobody understands... but i'll choose to live on. For now. Sorry for the emo-ness of this post. Just wanna voice out what's inside me all these while.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Went out with dear today to JP. Was supposed to watch movie but decided to give it a miss. Nvm, shall watch it some other time. ^^ Took bus there and the journey was longgggggggggg, but with dear's company, it's seems fine. Plenty of things to talk about, guess due to we only get to meet each other one day per week. Walked ard JP and time for shopping! Hahahahaha! I've managed to bought one formal blue dress. Actually i intended to buy tops, however one top cost 30 plus whereas the formal dress just cost 22 dollar, might as well get the dress. Dear bought his formal shirt again at natural project. Muahahaha, tempt him!
Took bus back to CWP and i wanted to buy the cotton on cardigan, however they don't have XS. Feel so saddddd, guess i have to go back someday again to get that. Sigh! Slacked at 16th storey. Chatted abt lots of stuff. I love it when dear said that he fear of losing me one day *hint*. Keke, don usually hear that kind of stuff from him. Tho I am the one who asked him and made him said that, but it means a lot to me. Really it does. Actions show more than words, but i think sometimes words are impt too becos ppl like me need assurance. I'm glad that we talked abt it and understand each other more. =) Alright, i am done with blogging alr! Nite and ciaoz ppl!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Time to blog! Been away for quite a while cos due to outings and tests. Shall blog abt what happened during on my 19th b'day. As usual, there's lesson on that day, and worst still, UT! What the heck?! But classmates were sweet enough to surprise me with cake. Thank you, class! =) Went to NP to meet babe and ling yi for dinner. She bought me a gold eye shadow! Nice and pretty! She knows tt i am a vain pot ma. Thanks babe & ling yi!
On third of July, went out with dear to esplanade. Kns, the road were blocked off due to NDP thingy. So sad, we need to walk all the way to esplanade. I am wearing heels some more! However it might be a good thing, practice makes perfect. LOL! Camwhore with dear as i wanna print out the photos and put it in my photo album. So in ten or twenty years time, i can still take it out and have a look at it. Memories... Had a fun day out with dear and i am looking forward to more outings with him.<3
Fourth of July, went to marina barrage with my sec sch cliques, willie was the one who planned it. *touched* So unexpected cos he don seem to be those guys who will plan all these. Hahaha! So sad that babe didn't join us cos of her fyp project. It is alright, babe, we shall meet up soon and take photos too. Ten people including me went for kite flying. Bloody kite spoilt at the wrong time, make us all so pek chek. LOL. Cam whore all the way, lots of pic to be uploaded! But really enjoyed the outing, it had been such a long time since we have outing tgt, =D Thank you my dear friends! Really appreciated it! Now time for photos!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Upgraded to windows 7 for my lappy. Super duper OH SOME (awesome)! Fast and cool! Felt like i just got a new lappy. Had lecture today and as usual, not paying attention, just pretending to be.
*fifteen mins passed by cos i forgot i am blogging halfway as i am chatting online*
LOL, after the lecture, went to collect my lappy with pei and tin guan, and the rest too. Great thanks to yi jun for helping me. I am IT NOOB SHIT. Hahaha. Had lunch at The Reel Room, cheap and the portion is just nice. Slacked a while and then went to play pool. Too bad yi jun gtg first.
I am super duper tired now..... just read thru the notes and RR for tml's ut nia. I know i am going to do badly. Oh well..
